My Pathetic Life

go away.

I am not going to update here anymore-

Do you think I am that stupid to do updates here again after what happened last time?



even if I do updates I wont do it here.

so just go. and never come back.

 OH MY FUCKING LORD.

http://hku.facebook.com/profile.php?id=521972463


Don't cry, emma.... 

 

"It comes and you let it fail you
how can something like that fail you??


don't tell me it's hard... everything's hard at the beginning."

From this very moment onwards...it WILL work out. Trust me.

Failure is not within my expectations.




And.
Thank you.
:*) 

i'm a fucking pig.

I'm too impulsive and I think I'm taking  too much risks.

A happy day for me.


But I
am
so
so
so
so
so
Sooo sleepy. I really need to readjust my sleeping patterns or I'll die eventually. Or go insane. 

Anyway, I need to go now. Cya. Will update more when I come back. :)

 I just know you DON'T.

So one month of school has finally passed.  The workload is heavy and there are so much readings to do. I hope I can cope with that. 

Had my skating lesson today. I didn't do well in these lessons, I just couldn't do those moves. I really don't know why and seems like however I tried I just can't do it. Is it because of my fear of falling that makes me unable to do them? Anyway I'm really sorry for slowing down the progress. I'm just hopeless at Sports. Sigh. 

I've royally messed up my sleeping patterns again. I cannot sleep at night and I often stay through the night and go to next day's lecture straightaway. It's bad for me on the longrun, really. I get really sleepy and miss out quite of lot of things. And not to mention things are getting tough in the university. I just had my contract tutorial today and I felt like a complete loser afterwards. I can't apprehend what the hell Klow's talking about. I like contract, honestly. But it's too challenging for people like me. Sometimes I can't follow the pace.

Is that just me being paranoid or are you really trying to avoid me? Blah whatever. Perhaps I'm just overreacting. This suddenly reminds me of what happened last year, at the same time. It's funny how this cycle repeats even though things and people have changed and you thought everything was over. 

Sigh. It seems like everyone has moved on but I'm still lagging behind. 



You know it isn't a good sign when I became addicted to heavy metal again.

Somebody... please help me

I want a confession. I can't hold this any longer :( 

I feel suffocated

My legs are going to fall off any moment.

Just returned from the gym. Mind you it's already 10:30!

Today is a hectic day. I didn't feel very well in the morning- my head felt like exploding and I found out I had a temperature. I decided to skive fo rthe first time in my university life and missed my tort lecture. Actually I really didn't want to miss this lecture as RG is one of my favourite lecturers (too bad I don't have the privilege of having him as my tutor) and tort lectures are always informative and fun. Anyway, I'll have to do the readings tonight to catch up with the class. Shit I haven't even read chapter 3. 

I felt better in the afternoon and attended my ice-skating lesson. Turned out there was an misunderstanding and Alex missed our class. But on the upside we get to use the ice skating rink for free for the whole afternoon. Since school has already started and there are a lot less people using the rink now. It felt so good to glide on the ice smoothly, provided the fact that now my skating skills have improved considerably. Had a nice time chatting with Kath as well :) 

Went back to school for my first contract tutorial. I was chatted with Emma and Kelvin for a bit before I went~ I was rather nervous about it because I have heard of my tutor/lecturer's notorious reputation. It seemed rumours are not always unreliable. /_____\ We were bombarded with very shrewd questions which no one could answer and all the loopholes in our answers were critically commented. He is indeed a harsh and arrogant man but I can't help but admire his sharpness. He is a hard man to deal with. So I'll have to be extra careful in his tutorials. 

Went to the library afterwards to wait for my friend. I saw him on the way and we chatted for a while! :D I ended up falling asleep while I was reading my contract DMs. I left and headed to the gym afterwards. Yes can you believe it I'm hitting the gym after such a hectic day of work. Grabbed a pret sandwich on my way and arrived the gym at 8 o'clock. Sweated my blood and guts out.When I went home, it was well past ten. My legs are so bloody sore and tired now. 

I should do some readings before I go to bed. Tomorrow will be another long and tiresome day. Chinese, then Law and Society (oh heck I hate this) and stupid brodening. Argh. 

Good evening. 

P.S. Best of luck tomorrow my dear :)

AHhhhhhhhhHHhHHhhHHHh!!!!!!

Hello. Since someone as busy as you is updating even in such circumstances I feel guilty for not updating even though I have so much to talk about and so much time. (well comparatively, though in reality I feel I don't have enough time.)

Ugh. I don't understand what I was talking about. Actually. 

Never mind.

School has started for half a month- yes half a month already! But I feel everything is still NEW to me. That excitement has more or less subsided, instead it is slowly being replaced by a mixed feeling of weariness and frustration. Pressure is already heaping on me along with the immense workload. Everyday I am surrounded by bright, intelligent, sharp, confident people from all over the world (yeah, literally) who have excellent command of English and are eager to show their abilities anytime.Compared to them I feel like a piece of shit. Both academically and physically and socially. (There are a lot of pretty girls out there in my faculty, in fact.) To be honest, going to school and looking at people around me makes my self esteem plummet to no ends. Sometimes I think I'm such a loser, having such feelings at the beginning of the school year. What would I do if the workload and pressure gets heavier? (which is probably the case -_______-) Jump off the building and die? 

I have already had most of my tutorials and frankly tutorials are INTIMIDATING. (and so as my classmates :P.) I do not enjoy or look forward to it in any way. I hate speaking and I am not used to voicing my ideas out. Public speaking scares me witless and I am not keen on debating or any kind of oratory. Naturally that will put me in an extremely disadvantageous position as we are required to speak out, and participate actively in discussions.

I had my LRW tutorial this morning. I didn't do much preparation beforehand. I was also very sleepy in class that I didn't even speak a word or answer any questions.  The tutor must be thinking I'm a mute or something. Only in tutorials such as LS, when everyone was REQUIRED to present their ideas and there is no escape to that, or in Tort, when I was being called on I would express my views. Sigh. This is bad, I guess I'll have to steel myself and accept this challenge. 

Bitches are everywhere, by the way. I hate how they act- you know it when someone thinks she's superior than you and looks down on you with disdain. Their arrogance is nauseating. Oh well. But a university's full of different kinds of people, weird people, nerds, bitches... I guess that's what makes them different from other schools. As long as I avoid having any business with them, they won't bug me. It's better to steer clear of such people since you're likely to have a harsh life if you step on their tails. 

And SHIT. 

I've gained a lot of weight. I am,literally, swelling up like a bloody balloon. And don't refute because when I say a lot it's really a lot I am talking about a number ranging from 20-30 pounds no joke. The stupid medication increases my appetite and it seems my stomach has increased tenfold in size. I can now eat one tonne of food and say "I am hungry." an hour later. Today one of my aunties who saw me a month ago was shocked to see how much I've grown. Yeah, how sacarstic. GROWING- horizontally but not vertically. I'm not going into details how much I am eating now but no matter what I am going to go on diet starting from tomorrow. I need to shake off the flabs accumulating on my body. Wish me luck. I will not return to that former anorexic frame of mines- I have heard people saying all those stuff behind me before but losing a bit of weight will make my clothes fit better. I've grown so much that my pants are TIGHT and some don't even fit. Murder me. 

My sister went to United Kingdom to pack her belongings and will be back in a few day's time. The house has returned to peacefulness and silence again. Not totally a bad thing as I can finally have some personal space for myself. Having accompany is good but conflicts are due to happen. 

And hey Katherine I am jealous of you I would love to have lunch with my beloved Miss Donlon as well. I love her and I wil continue to love her. She's such a lovely teacher. Lovable. Yes. I wish I can meet a teacher like that in my university. And I feel so honoured to know that she still remembers the name Cindy Tso. And her compliment. I am unworthy for such kind words. Really. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention I'm 19, finally. My last teen year. I feel bad for how I treated my parents on that day. I am sorry, I shouldn't be such a spoilt-brat and take things for granted. I love you. :( On a happier note, one of my greatest birthday present takes the form of a card. It finally alleviated the burden, which has been bothering me for so long. It enclosed the little patch in my heart. It gave things to a better end. Now I can draw a fullstop. Thank you. I never thought you would do it.

I'm getting sleepy. Help. I am totally a pig. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep. .. .... ....

Time to dig myself into my notes. I haven't touched them at all and hateful LnS tutorial is on Monday. Ewwww.  

:(

 OK. I'm going crazy.

Can you believe this- this is the fifth time I'm typing this bloody stupid entry.

My computer is driving me nuts.




I went to the Inauguration Ceremony and Opening Ceremony. Unfortunately I was not impressed, they were not as good as I expected it to be. We had to watch it in a broadcasting room instead of watching it live because the hall was full. Afterall all freshmen of all faculties are invited- did they seriously think their tiny "Great Hall" could accomodate so many people? (Believe it or not this is the first time I feel proud of my secondary school's facilities- JC hall is so much better!) They should have chosen a better venue. Listening to the speakers' tedious speeches was no fun at all, especially when you didn't get enough sleep the night before- I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. 

Had a casual chat with the professors afterwards. They appearred to be quite nice. I finally realized who this legendary MJ is. How could I not know before? The world is really a small place. I am also appalled by my ability to initiate fruitful conversation with others. Sadly what we chatted about was pathetically unintellectual and pointless. I felt so stupid amongst my fellow classmates. :S Sometimes I think I just don't know how to communicate effectively with others. People must feel I'm as dull and boring as a piece of cardboard. -______________-

By the way my sister got a new car. Good for her, and to a certain extent, me as well. XD She can drive me around while my driver isn't avaliable, and we get to go out more often at night. My parents doesn't like me going out at night because transportation is quite inconvenient and walking up the scary path leadinig to my house can be quite dangerous. Sometimes it gives me the creeps walking up that deserted path at night, especially when it's so foggy up here. 


I'm getting a bit tired, I guess I should stop here. School's starting in 3 days, I am nervous about it. Wish me luck.

 I'D HAD ENOUGH OF THIS THING!

STOP JUMPING!

YOU'RE REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES!

So far everything's well. No accidents or failure. Good. 

Have been getting more sleep thesedays as his condition improves everyday. Very soon he'll be out of the hospital! Yay! To a certain extent I feel I'm imprisoned to this horrible place- we really need to get out soon or we'll all go insane! I need to end my cloistered way of living- minimal contact with friends and the outside world, sitting and lazing around in the same room the whole day doing practically nothing but waiting for time to pass. Argh.

I woke early this morning and went home to pack some daily necessities to bring to the hospital. The hospital's very near to Jockey Club so maybe I can go swimming during the afternoons when my father is usually asleep. :) At least I can kill some time. 

Went to Causeway Bay in the afternoon. I took a job as a tutor for a F1 kid through one of those internet agents. It's my first time doing this and I feel a bit insecure about it. It's not much money plus I'll have to pay the first two weeks' salary to the agent. The first lesson starts this Saturday, and the kid's mother will be around. Let's hope I'll be able to cope and the mother won't sack me!

Sister's not going back to UK until mid August- by that time I will go to UK together with her to help with her packing. Kinda looking forward to it- it has been a long time since I last went to London. Moreover I am quite sure after this trip I'll go to London less frequently now that we are selling our apartment. Thus ended my sister's life in London. After so many years of living away from us, she's finally staying in Hong Kong for good. Thank god. My household will never be the same then. XD 

It's Wednesday today and i have a tight schedule packed ahead of me. Have to leave now- laptop's running out of battery. 

Good evening. 


Have been in good control these few days. Hope I'll be able to maintain it.I have never thought the impact would be that great- oh well, it's punishment for being so weak previously. Now I'm suffering and trying to revert the consequences. :S 

After what happened last Tuesday I will always thank god for everything and all the big and small miracles in life. I realize how fragile life can be through such a close encounter with death. It really was a miracle that he managed to survive... Thank you. I just don't know how to put it in words. We're all recovering from it... yet sometimes in the dead of the night when I am alone, the horrific and heartbreaking scenes might still resurface in my mind... It's something we'll never forget.

Have been really emo thesedays. Especially towards my sister. I feel kinda sorry for her for it's not really her fault. It's my problem, really. Have been trying to suppress what I have longed to tell her all the time. I don't want to start any arguments. Especially in a time like this.


I got a new haircut. After that incident I decided to have a new hairstyle and start afresh. There is a saying in Chinese that you'll "cut away all your bad luck" by cutting your hair XD. I'm superstitious. Hehe. Anyway, I told the stylist I want to have something different this time and I let him do whatever he wanted with my hair- provided that no perming, coloring or boy-cuts. In the end I ended up with a straight fringe. FRINGE. Those really kawaii-feel fringes which are so hot in Hong Kong and Japan. God, I never thought I'd have this kind of hairstyle. I don't have a long face and I look like some overgrown 12 year old kid now!! My parents said I look 4-5 years younger in that hairstyle. Oh well... I don't know whether it's a good thing or not, but I have no choice but to accept it anyway. 

Father's operation has foiled all my previous summer plans... :S. Everything is either postponed or cancelled. I'm now leaving for UK in mid-August. I hope it won't clash with some of the university orientation camps. God. I also regret turning down the summer job- though the pay was so meagre I thought it would be a very fun and enjoyable job. Sigh.

I'm getting sleepy. The sleepiness is kicking in. Have been getting insanely insuffient amounts of sleep recently that I think I've conditioned my body to get used to feeling sleepy, or be immune to sleepiness. XD I don't feel sleepy easily now, in fact I had only slept for 3 horus last night and I didn't even feel tired the whole day. 

Anyway, I think it's time I go to bed- the bed in the hospital is uncomfortable, I can never sleep well in beds other than my own bed. But I need some sleep, really. The doctors do their ward-rounds so frigging early in the morning- i don't want them to see me in my ugly pajamas, sleeping like a pig on the bed. So, I'll leave here for now.

Good night.

Finally a break for me to do some update.

First there was the release of my A-level results. We had a really good time preparing and waiting for this big day to come. Frankly, I was so looking forward to the pre-release activities rather than the big day itself (well who would look forward to it anyway?!). We had hotpot in a restaurant in Causeway Bay, it was my first time to visit that famous restaurant. The food was quite nice, and I had a wonderful time meeting up with my friends. I was also astonished by how much one could change in such a short period of time. However, I believe she'll do better after the changes and I feel truly happy for her. :) We chatted a lot, and went to Namco WonderPark afterwards. (I finally remember the name of that arcade. XDD) Nari was so good at fetching dolls in those machines, though eventually the stupid machines drained more than half of the tokens. -_________________-'''. By the time we left the arcade it was already quite late, and Nari had to go, so we escorted him to meet his friend and had late night dessert afterwards. Did a lot of chatting again. In the end we went to CEO to play Wii and sing karaoke. God it was so fun. XD Oh! and we were also taught how to play some cardgames. It was complicated but fun. I also concluded that I am a total dummy on cardgames and action games. My hand and eye co-ordination was so bad... I hardly won but never mind. It was not the results that counted but the fun. :D

We were asked to leave at around 6 in the morning, we originally planned to go yum cha but we had so much food- we literally ate nonstop- first hotpot, then desserts, then 130289417510 kinds of food in CEO- we were too stuffed to eat anything else so we ended up in McDonalds. We waited till around 8 something and left for the school. 

It was numbness rather than fear that confronted me when I received my results. I guess it was because of my tiredness and sleepiness. I told my family about them and they seemed to be okay with them. Afterall, what did they expect? Or maybe they didn't want to hurt me so they didn't say anything about it. For this I feel grateful. I explained to them about my UE grade- but I don't think they got the full picture. Just because of one stupid paper's downfall my overall grade was downgraded. I still don't think it's my fault and I will not acknowledge their ridiculous marking system whether or not my appeal is successful. I still can't get over that word-limit thing and that's what killed my grade. Blahhhh. Stupid HKEAA. 

Anyway, one shock was over and one followed another- my father went to hospital to undergo an operation to remove the tumour in his lung. Well, to be precise, to cure his lung cancer. It was not until the night before he did the operation that I discovered the whole operation was not as simple as we expected it to be. My sister told me the truth finally the severity of the operation and the risks it entailed. Even my parents didn't know about it for the doctor and my sister want them to worry about it. Boy, it was a shock, really. I was so scared that he wouldn't make it, or complications would result after the operation. Thank god, the operation went smoothly, and he is on his road to recovery. He stayed in the ICU and had intensive care. I really had to thank the doctor and my sister- if it wasn't for her I am sure we wouldn't handle everything so smoothly and her knowledge of a doctor helped my father a lot as well. 

I have been staying in the hospital to accompany him in the past few days, and possibly in the coming few days as well. Though he has passed the most critical phrase, we still need to look after him closely. Room 1510 has became my second home now. :P. Now my daily routine alternates between home and hospital only. Ocassionally I will hop around the Happy valley neighbourhood to run some errends or fetch some daily necessities nearby. Happy valley is a good district to live in. :) 

I haven't had any good, decent sleep for a long time already- I am not exaggerating, but I haven't been sleeping properly ever since the release of the results. Looking after a sick person is a strenous task. Especially with impatient, uncooperative patients like my father. Ugh. This severe lacking of sleep has costed me a face full of pimples and blotches, not to mention two huge black eye-circles. -__________________-'''.

I have more to say, but I have to run now. Will do an update whenever I have the time to do so. 

Good morning.

Finally an entry after my return from Bali.

The trip to Bali was absolutely fabulous. Although all I did was lazing under the sun, frolicking in the beach, swimming in the pool, it was truly enjoyable. Partly because it was a proper family trip which my whole family enjoyed after so many years, and partly because of the nice weather, wonderful hotel and beautiful scenery. I attended my friend's wedding as well. But the main point of the trip was not because of my friend's wedding, we intended to go for relaxation and vacation. Especially for my father, he really deserves a break from his hectic life in Hong Kong. Believe it or not, his health became better after he returned to Hong Kong. A few days of rest can work miracles :). 

We took a lot of photos, but sister mistakenly brought the wire to Britain, so I'll have to wait till she returns on the 29th to upload the photographs.

The last visit to the doctor's place wasn't a pleasant one. He needed an operation as soon as possible. That was not what he told us a month ago. Now we had to cancel everything in hand and prepare for his operation. Worse still, he is scheduled to go to the hospital on the 29th. 29th is definately not a good time for everyone knows what day this is. I have totally no idea how to break the news to my parents... Anyhow, it won't be good news. I don't want to give another shock to my family when there's already a great burden upon everyone. Mental health is as important as physical health, especially at such a critical period. That's what my sister told me. I was hoping that they might forget about this and not ask me about it... but after what happened yesterday I know this possibility is nearly zero. Sigh. I'm doomed. 

The interview turned out to be better than I expected it to be. We were showned a video clip from the movie To Kill a Mockingbird which featured a court trial and we were asked to discuss about it afterwards. As a literature student, I am ashamed by my limited exposure to literature- more than half of my groupmates have read the book while I haven't read it. Actually, to be precise, I did read a bit of it- during the URT when I couldn't find newspaper to read and I had to pick a book from the book boxes- but I didn't really like it and dropped it after reading like... 1 or 2 chapters. Oh well... All the candidates were equally strong and eloquent in speech and each of them tried their best to flaunt their personal achievements in their so called self-introduction, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. For first, I can see the word "competition" engraved onto their foreheads- I wouldn't say they were hostile, but the atmosphere was vvery tense and I didn't like it ; second, I had no personal achievements to flaunt and I certainly looked bad compared to them. The meeting was brief, formal, but the two professors were quite nice. I especially remember the professor with snow-white hair- he seemed like a kind old man more than a professor with a master's degree in criminology. XDDD. Anyway, whatever the results, I'm glad I'm done with it. I don't like interviews. 

God, this entry is going to be long- the cumulative consequence of abandoning my journal for such a longtime due to sheer laziness. XD

Father's day started out disastrous. Originally I had planned to go to China to meet my parents, but I woke up late and missed the boat. It was probably because of the lack of sleep the night before- I spent the whole night helping out with the graduation booklet. Looking back, it wasn't that much work-  it was only because of my zero efficiency which took me a whole night to finish 6 pages. Shame on me. The ship was scheduled to leave at 8:40 and I woke at 8:45. Anyway, things eventually got sorted out and it ended a lovely day. I won't go into the details here as I know no one will be interested about it. Lalala. 

 Haven't been doing much lately. I continue to live my decadent life. Oh, met up with a few friends who went to overseas to study. I miss them. :) One of them even brought me to a "mini-exhibition" XDDDDD. It was a truly rewarding experience. Sometimes when I see how productive and purposeful my friends are, I just can't help but feel ashamed with my ... "hea-ness". If you allow me to use this word here for I really cannot think of any better word to describe my life now. -_________________________-"

I hate PMS. I have been feeling slightly feverish and my throat has been burning for a couple of days. Strange. I get flu symptoms sometimes before the time of the month. The headaches are the worst. Panadols are bad for me but I'd rather sacrifice my intelligence (if I had any, that is) than to suffer pain. (I heard they say taking panadol is bad for your brain or make you stupid or something like that.) 

Help, as usual the structure of my entry is laid out with zero organization Totally wrong sequence of events. Wahahaha never mind, in fact I wonder whether people still visit my journal after I've abandoned it for such a long time. Perhaps they think I have abandoned this journal already. 

Oh, dinner time. I should stop here.

Good evening.

Time really flies. This week seems to be passing so quickly.

(Alright I shouldn't use a cliche to start my entry. But... never mind XD.)

I'm glad father is on the road to recovery. His breathing is improving day by day. I hope he'll be fit enough to carry out his operation in August. :) Thank god. I can finally drop my worries... for now.

Sister has just arrived tonight. A family is a family and her presence certainly livens up our house. :D The downside is, since she's staying for 2 weeks only (actaully compared to her other holidays, this should be considered a "long" one.), so she probably wants me to devote most of my time being with her.

There are still a couple of things waiting for me to be done. I should complete them, or at least settle them before I leave for Bali on the 6th. 

I made a fool of myself in the Japanese class tonight. Blah. I really should polish my Japanese and revise a bit before I attend the class next time. I know it was not meant to be serious, but nonetheless it was embarrassing . :( 

It is not only recently that I discovered how poor my communication skills are. Compared to people of my age, I am sure I am classified as those timid, silent and introverted ones. The stupid phonecall made me felt like a total idiot. 

Help. Sister's around. Have to run. 

Good evening.